What if suicide was a way to die and start over? What if the life you’ve chosen isn’t by choice, only by acceptance?
I don’t even look in the mirror anymore because there’s nothing to see. I sold my soul for a settlement, which is not paying out like they said it would. Praying for this only got me what I asked for not what I deserved. I wish he beat me. I wish he was a bad man. I wish he cheated and had a baby, those would be reasons to leave. Very good ones. I get the emotional abuse no one sees. The one that makes me think I’m crazy and I’m with a decent man be grateful.
I’m with a man that could give two fucks on how the fuck I should be loved or want to be loved. I’m unhappy. I should’ve known I was praying for the wrong shit. Just cause you love someone don’t mean they love you back.
He a good man but probably not the one for me. A great catch for someone else but not for me. Conceited. Arrogant. Unappreciative. Unapologetic. (Serious not half-assed apologies) Always telling me I’m delusional. Making me second guess myself.
I’m the dummy that thought shit would change. I am the dummy that stayed 8-10 years. I am that same dummy that married him. Yeah, that’s me. STUPID ON MY FOREHEAD, I promise it’s there.
Everyone’s like if you’re so unhappy, then leave. I put my heart, soul, sweat, tears and years into this shit. I figured he would learn to make me happy or at least try. But as soon as I think he’s trying it’s back to the drawing board. What the fuck do you do when your soul is tired, and sleep doesn’t help. I wanted my family to be together and I sacrificed my sanity, my soul and my intimacy. HELP ME! SUICIDE IS CALLING. SCREAMING MY NAME.
While I’m crying, he’s somewhere ignoring me. His words cut my wrist, I wish they were blades. His apologies smother me after arguments, I wish they were pillows. His opinions are humongous burdens, I wish they were pills to overdose on.
I thought this change was for the better. This shit has only gotten worse. I’m terrorized by my thoughts. “What if I leave an OK man, I used to love for someone that loves me and uplifts me and creates my happiness. Moves mountains for me and I’m not worth any of it. What if I’m too drained of all my positivity to accept him.
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