I tried to fix it a little.
Disclaimer: This piece was written October 29, 2005 (15 years ago DAAAAMMMNN, Gina)
Have you experienced a moment of epiphany, as if your eyes were opened to something to which you were previously blind to?
Long ago, I thought after one broken heart love wasn’t possible and then the feelings start growing again. Have you ever tried to hide a burst of sunshine that you didn’t want anyone else to see? It’s hard because you’re lying to yourself and the people who need to see the ray of sunshine. That’s how it was when I fell in love for the first time.
When we first started going out, I made it clear to myself that nothing about him that could, would or should make me fall for him. We did everything together. So as I tried to keep myself from falling for him, I was failing. One night we had a conversation I remember, so vividly. That night was were on the phone until about 3 am because my grandma had made her run to the casino, that’s when I was able to get a piece of mind. Somehow the subject love came up. He said that he’d told so few people he loved them, but he didn’t think he’d been in love. “What was the difference?” I asked him. I knew the difference but I needed to know if we had the same definition. He explained that to love is to care deeply for someone like a mother and child bond most of the time. To be in love in the romantical sense was different because true love comes every once in a while. That’s something you can’t get away from. In love means to trust your loved one with your life. That night I couldn’t say much because love was a touchy subject for me. I wasn’t going to tell him love made me sick, it always ended in someone being hurt. No matter old or young, you always end up with the short end of the stick.
After that night I felt weird on some level with him because I knew we wouldn’t get past my love issues if he didn’t understand them. One day I was on the verge of telling him why I didn’t believe in love, but he was sleeping on the phone. I figured that this was a good time to tell him what made my heart so cold, so I told him. The next morning he repeated something I said, I was mortified. There I was pouring my heart out to him and he was pretending to be asleep. I hung up and cried, I don’t know what tears were for because I was going to tell him anyway. I was so scared of love, but I didn’t was to end up lonely because of fear. We talked and he told me to go back and remember our first conversation. That’s when he told me that he was different from other guys, he told me never compare him to other guys. I just thought that was shit he ran on other girls.
We grew to know each other, and I found myself deeper than I’d like to be. I didn’t tell him because I wasn’t going out like no punk. The only feelings I knew would get hurt would be mine, if I didn’t find out he loved me first. After a few months went by I told him, but who was I to be pushing my love around praying he feels the same way. I figured if not now then when. He said it back and it kind of felt like he meant it.
Losing my virginity was like bearing my soul with a man I was deeply wrapped up in this soul tie. It was strong before it was even solidified with sex. Feeling like it was worth it, it just happened naturally. It’s as awkward as your first time should feel but it was genuine. I needed it to be with him I knew it would happen so why not someone I loved.
Let me tell you I found out I loved him so much come the wintertime, he ended up going out of town and I didn’t know. I called daily no answers. I told him before he left to call me, please. He didn’t call. I swear I thought something happened to him and then he finally called. We fought and broke up sort of because we were only seeing each other for favors that were promised. I did talk to other guys, but I felt distant because I didn’t want anybody but him. The bad thing was while we were broken up sort of, we could talk about anything. I wanted to tell him I still loved him so many times, but I didn’t was to mess up what we were building. He still made me feel special, but sometimes those words were right on the tip of my tongue. We had this thing when we first started dating where we blew in the phone to show how much we cared for each other. So every now and then I’d blow in the phone and he knew what it meant.
We finally had a conversation that made me realize I wasn’t the only one still in love. We still considered what we had a relationship. His leaving for the Army was the hardest time of my life. I thought it was all so stupid, why did he want to go to the dumb ass Army anyway. I hoped time would change his mind, prayed our time would change his mind, but it didn’t so I let it be. He left I knew it was done for, but he wrote to me. They say you don’t miss somebody until they’re gone, but that’s not true in this case. I missed him every day I wasn’t with him. Even though I dreamed of him every night. I missed him in my dreams. Still, as he is away, like a crackhead having withdrawal symptoms. Brokenhearted with and without him because I’ll just keep having to say goodbye.